In about four months’ time, I will become a mum for the first time. And right now, I’m pretty scared.
When I first found out I was pregnant, all I felt was shock. This was mainly because the news came on the same day that my family buried my beloved Grandad and I was emotionally spent. As my has body has changed, my belly has popped and I’ve felt the first kicks of the little one inside me, my emotions have ranged from excitement to joy to apprehension and to overwhelming love for my husband and our growing family.
However, this week, everything just seems scary. It may be the hormones that are to blame and next week I’ll be back to joyous love, but I’ve been thinking a lot about how this is the biggest thing I will ever do in my life. Those thoughts are unnerving because never before have I been scared about making a big life decision. Almost without batting an eyelid, I quit two jobs to go travelling, moved countries four times and for two years lived in a separate country from my husband. I’ve changed career and I’ve bought a house.
I wasn’t scared about taking these steps because I knew they were right for where I wanted to be at that stage of my life. I know that being a mum at this stage in my life is right too, so where are all these the nerves coming from, creeping up and laying siege to my emotions?
Speaking to the wise owls among my friends, they reminded me that fear of the unknown is perfectly natural, particularly for someone like me who likes to be able to plan and control…which of course in this case just simply isn’t possible. I can’t plan what kind of mum I will be and I certainly can’t control how my child will be. I just have to let it be.
Reading back through the archives of The Bulb also helped me remember that doing scary things is actually good for you. Taking the scary step may involve some heartache, but in the end, things generally work out and give you what you were lacking, be it clarity, happiness or freedom.
So, when those nerves start creeping up from now on, I am going to try to let them be and remember what awaits at the end of the scary path to motherhood.
(Written by Laura)